50 Shades Blacker
Some piece of my "sanity" wishes to see each even in life as strings of the same tapestry then my entire tapestry is black. Black as in powerful (Parker). Black as in elegant (Parker). Black as in evil (Parker). Black as in a damn mystery (Parker). What Parker fails to mention in the “Meaning of Color” is the association of race. Parker states that, “black denotes strength and authority,” but ignores that blacks have been considered lesser individuals. Black is the lack of authority. Maybe my insanity is my way of coping with being one of the 50 shades of grey produced by cultural appropriation. I am both evil and goodness (Parker). A blend of white and black. No, this is not a blend this is the colonialism of my blood. This is the internal battle of the black body. Look at the page, there are black letters trapped inside of the white margins. Being a middle-class “African-American” means becoming those letters. It means stuffing yourself inside of the parameters of a society that you do not fundamentally belong to. I have been segregated from the rest of black society while attempting to be integrated into the white masses of America. There is no place for the black kid to call home. The stratification of society has only gotten larger with suburban black kids slipping through the cracks only to be labeled as other. To be labeled as Oreo. To be labeled as white. To be labeled as not really black. To be labeled. It is as if by becoming suburban we became sub-black. It is as if it was not enough to strip the black kids of the title of African, but now we are being stripped of the title black. “Even the African kids are trying to forget Africa” (Bolanle). They can attempt to strip themselves of their culture, of their heritage, but I will never be stripped of the title Nigger so that is why I have claimed the word and swished it around my black tongue. Now I am a nigga and I suppose it is still the same Negro skin and Negro hair and Negro ancestry that was in chains, but it is a new black. It is a new orange if you will because orange is not the new black. Black is the new African. Negro is the new Nigger. Nigga is the new Negro and so nigga is the new black. I am the new black. I am a nigga.
That is where we break the insanity. The blacks, whose histories began when chains reached the Land of the Free have separated themselves from the African blood that was captured. “I am not an African-American. Would you call every white person you see a European American? Of course not...We need to stop pretending that Africa isn’t a diverse continent (Cooper). To the people naturalized in the motherland however, “the term African-American is politically correct” I suppose, but it would be nice for them to have the distinction of a country, of a tribe, of a bloodline (Bolanle). They cannot have that. Similarly, I cannot tell you who I am as a person or my personal identity without establishing first that I am a nigga.
Some people still believe race shouldn’t matter and in some instances they would be correct, but when it comes to my identity and how I got to where I am today, this is a race issue. Race is the only issue I truly have. I have an issue with the fact I must allow myself to accept any terminology that seems close enough of a fit to my skin. I will be called 925, a beggar, double A-batteries, and more (Racial Slur Database). I will be called Nigger by people that have forgotten its origin and its offense. I will be called coon by people that feel as if I am sub-black. I will be called bitch by people that feel like I should obey them. I will be called African American by statistics. I will be called everything except my name.
My tapestry is black, and more black, and more black. Strange how they call us colored folk and and my personal identity only has one color. Funny thing about being black is that black ain’t even a color. Black is the absence of color and yet I’m still one of the colored folk. I do not know how to define my personal identity in the terms of my own life let alone the stories of someone else’s. What I do know is that people will always be shaped by the cultures around them and their histories if they have the means to trace them. As someone who can’t find her roots and can’t find her branches I must find an alternative. Maybe the other branches were stripped from the tree to create the loom for my tapestry.